Striking a Balance: How Much Help is Too Much?
When older adults start needing help with everyday stuff, our first instinct is to offer as much as possible. We do it because we care about their safety, feel responsible, or want to make life easier for them. But sometimes, our good intentions can cause problems.
Dr. Barry J. Jacobs talks about caring for his mom and how he ended up taking away her independence without realizing it. He says, "With all my best intentions and hard work, I mostly stopped her from doing things on her own." This shows that helping too much can make our loved ones feel like they've lost control.
Tips for Finding the Right Balance
1. Talk it Out: Before they really need help, talk to your loved one about how things might change. Figure out what kind of help they'd like when they need it. Planning ahead can make things easier for both of you. And don't expect them to agree with everything you say. You may see a danger issue when they may see an independence issue.
For example: Mom has a doctor's appointment. She want to go on her own and drive there, too. Her daughter wants to go with her to hear what the doctor is saying and learn about her mother's health. Mom knows if her daughter is there then she can't talk freely to her doctor. Her daughter knows if she isn't there, her mom doesn't tell her everything.
What do you do?
You trust one another. That's the conversation you both have upfront. It is not a time to criticize or hold back. For mom, it's a time to trust that her daughter has a right not to worry about her and a time to know her true medical concerns that she will discuss with her and the doctor.
For her daughter, it's a time to understand that her mom trusts her doctor and feels this is the one person she can rely on for her medical care. She does not want her daughter to interfere with this conversation. Therefore, the daughter knows upfront not to intrude but to trust her mom to give the correct, complete, and accurate information to her doctor. And the daughter agrees to this willingly without judgement or "fixing".
2. Wait and See: Don't rush to help every time they struggle. Watch and see if they really need it. Sometimes, what seems like a problem is just a one-time thing.
For example: Dad wants to stay in the home and doesn't keep it up like he used to. His son wants to move dad because he can't keep up with the house anymore.
What do you do?
Dad needs to let his son know that he can't do it all anymore. And when he feels he needs help, he will let him know. He also lets his son know that if he feels it's unsafe he will tell his son.
His son, on the other hand, will let Dad know that he sees the things that need attention but understand there is no rush to fix it immediately. He will give Dad time to figure out the priorities around the house. The biggest ones being heating, cooling, electric, plumbing, and kitchen appliances. Of course, the roof, doors and windows must function properly.
This conversation leads us into #3...
3. Focus on Abilities: Encourage them to do things on their own as much as possible. This helps them feel capable and confident. You can help by showing them easier ways to do things or breaking tasks into smaller steps.
4. Encourage Help: Remind them that getting help doesn’t mean they can’t do things themselves. It’s about helping them stay safe while doing what they can on their own. Always give one another choices or options. If you or your family member have an idea, then give 2-3 ideas but no more than that. See my FREE Caregiver's Starter Guide, Chapter 3 to see how to do this.
When we are given options, we tend to pick one instead of throwing out the whole idea.
Balancing Safety and Respect
Deciding how much help to give can be tough. Here are some things to keep in mind:
- Talk about Changes: It’s hard to talk about getting older, but it’s important. Discuss any changes in abilities and how to stay safe.
- Put Safety First: Some things, like driving or taking medicines, can be dangerous if not done right. If you're worried, don’t hesitate to take steps to keep them safe. It's a way of showing you care.
- Respect Their Choices: Let them make their own decisions about things that aren’t risky. If they can do something safely, let them. It's about respecting their independence and dignity.
- Embrace Change: Sometimes, they might resist changes like using a walker. But if it keeps them safe, it’s worth it. Encourage them to see it as a way to stay independent and dignified.
Finding the right balance between helping and respecting their independence takes patience and understanding. By communicating openly and being mindful of their needs, we can support each other in maintaining our dignity while ensuring everyone's emotional and mental health.
