It’s hard to recognize gaslighting. So here’s a story that might help you see if you are a victim of someone who does this to you.
The Tale of Emma and Her Daughter
Emma had always been confident in her decisions and views. That began to change when she came to live with Julia, her daughter. Julia was charming, intelligent, and seemed to have everything together. Emma admired her and often sought her advice. However, as time passed, Emma started doubting herself more and more. She noticed that whenever she shared her opinions or memories with Julia, they were often contradicted. Julia would say things like, "I don't remember it that way," or, "Are you sure that's what happened?" Over time, Emma felt confused and unsure of her own perceptions.
Recognizing Gaslighting
Emma's experience is a classic example of gaslighting, a form of psychological manipulation where a person makes someone question their reality. Here are some key signs of gaslighting that Emma learned to recognize:
- Constant Denial: Julia frequently denied events or conversations that Emma clearly remembered. Emma stopped sharing her opinions even though she saw the reality of events.
- Trivializing Feelings: Julia often dismissed Emma's feelings, making her feel as though she was overreacting or being too sensitive.
- Contradicting Reality: Julia would contradict Emma’s memories, leading her to question her sanity. Julia would even embarrass Emma in front of her other children by saying things like, “Mom, that’s not what happened at all!”
- Isolating from Others: Julia subtly encouraged Emma to distance herself from friends and family, making her more dependent on Julia’s version of reality. Julia eventually felt Emma was not
Why Do People Gaslight?
People gaslight for various reasons, often stemming from their insecurities and need for control. Here are some common motivations:
- Power and Control: Julia might have felt a need to dominate and control Emma, enjoying the power dynamic that emerged from making Emma doubt herself.
- Avoiding Responsibility: Gaslighters often use manipulation to avoid taking responsibility for their actions. By making Emma question her perceptions, Julia could evade accountability.
- Self-Esteem Issues: Julia’s behavior could be a projection of her own insecurities, using manipulation to feel superior and validate her own worth.
Protecting Yourself from Gaslighting
Recognizing gaslighting is the first step toward protecting yourself. Emma took several steps to regain her confidence and protect herself:
- Trusting Her Instincts: Emma learned to trust her gut feelings. If something felt off, she acknowledged it instead of dismissing her emotions.
- Documenting Events: Emma started keeping a journal of conversations and events. This helped her reaffirm her reality when Julia contradicted her memories and it's something she could share with other family members if they didn't believe her.
- Seeking Outside Support: Emma reached out to other friends and family members. Their perspectives and support helped her see the truth and regain confidence.
- Setting Boundaries: Emma began setting clear boundaries with Julia. She distanced herself emotionally and physically whenever Julia’s behavior became manipulative.
- Professional Help: Emma sought therapy to rebuild her self-esteem and develop strategies to cope with gaslighting. A therapist can provide valuable tools and support in recovering from emotional manipulation.
The Turning Point
One day, Emma confronted Julia with her journal entries, pointing out the discrepancies between Julia’s accounts and her own records. Julia reacted defensively, but Emma stood her ground.
This confrontation marked the beginning of Emma’s journey to reclaim her reality and self-worth. She decided to limit her interactions with Julia, focusing on healthier relationships that validated and respected her.
When Emma suggested she move out of Julia’s home, Julia’s siblings stepped in and helped her. They knew Julia was “difficult”, but they didn’t know the term, “gaslighting” until Emma explained it to them.