Avoiding sensitive topics may seem like a relief initially, steering clear of income, future plans, mental health, or other deeper subjects.
Yet, dodging difficult conversations can have consequences. We've all faced the dilemma: Should we broach the subject? How will it affect the other person? And crucially, how do we address it without offending?
Discussing delicate topics...
can enhance family relationships, productivity, decision-making, and understanding. So, perhaps enduring the initial discomfort of these discussions is worthwhile.
Bringing such matters to light can help us navigate life more effectively, so avoidance isn't the answer.
Let's look at what happened here...
Let me give you an example of something I let fester for a few days instead of speaking up.
As many of you know, I was a high school science and math teacher before becoming a physician assistant. Well, one year I was given a group of ninth graders who didn't do well in math at all. My job was to teach them Algebra. so about 3 weeks into the class I happened to ask the class what 1 + 1 was and they all shouted out the correct answer. I then asked them what three plus six was and again most of them shouted out the correct answer but I noticed that there were a lot in my class that were still thinking about it. I then asked what six times nine was. Minutes passed. Finally, someone said 54.
9th grade and no math skills
I knew from experience that these students didn't know their math tables. They had been passed up the school chain. They had to know their tables so quickly that at a snap of my fingers, they should have been able to give me the answers in addition, subtraction, multiplication, and division. So for the next 6 weeks, everybody in class learned these tables. We played games. We made our own flashcards. They practiced on each other over and over again. They high-fived each other. They rang a bell when one student got through a set of cards without hesitation. We all clapped. And we left no one behind. It was only then that I could teach them algebra. and the most rewarding gift I could have had was when one of the most struggling students said to me, “I love Math!".
4th grade and no reading skills
So this past weekend I was talking to a relative who teaches 4th grade. I asked him what he was teaching the fourth graders. He has not been a teacher for very long and he didn't go to college to become a teacher. He just decided it would be something he'd enjoy doing so he got a certificate and the public schools hired him. He told me he was teaching them stories. I asked about reading, writing, and arithmetic and he quickly said, “Oh no, they can't read.” When I said, “Then why don't you teach them how to read?” He said, “That's not my job. They should have been reading by now.” So I got snarky and asked if he was just going to pass them on to the 5th grade without them knowing how to read. He said, “Yep.” and that's what he was going to do.
Am I a coward?
Well, you can imagine what I was feeling by now since I believe every child has a right to learn reading, writing, and arithmetic but I avoided the issue and I quickly changed the subject. What I wanted to say might be construed as an attack. Had I thought this out more I could have used the following approaches instead of living with this anger festering inside me for several days after that.
Here's what I could have done...
Here's how we can simplify navigating these discussions for ourselves and the recipient.
Seek Insight:
- In personal relationships, if a topic impacts multiple individuals, someone likely has insight. Approach a trusted source who may be aware of the issue and gauge their perspective before initiating the conversation directly. (I could have turned to someone at the table and asked for their ideas about teaching to help approach the subject.)
Mindful Approach:
- Initiate discussions with a clear goal in mind. Start with a mindful approach, seeking permission to broach the subject and emphasizing understanding and positivity throughout the conversation. (I could have supported his distress at having students who can’t read and emphasized how he has been blessed with the task of changing such young lives for the better.)
Show Empathy:
- Demonstrating genuine care and understanding helps create a safe space for dialogue. Instead of criticism, offer suggestions with empathy and appreciation, fostering a constructive exchange. (I could understand his frustration having gone through it myself, and shared with him how I had to start from scratch to teach the basic math tables to 9th graders.)
Avoid Assumptions:
- Entering conversations with a mindset of understanding, rather than trying to prove a point, fosters productive dialogue. Avoid assuming rightness or wrongness, focusing instead on mutual understanding. (Instead of thinking of him as lazy or a poor teacher, I could appreciate him showing up all day every day and sharing with his students what stories he has to share).
Directness Matters:
- While it may seem kind to sugar-coat opinions with compliments, clarity is crucial. Providing straightforward feedback, even if it's corrective, can lead to greater improvement and understanding. (I could ask him if he thought about how much the next teachers will promote, thank, and encourage him because his students could be the ones that excel in reading writing, and arithmetic. He would soon get noticed as an avid teacher and be given great students next year.)
Ask for options:
- Use different scenarios and see if their mindset shifts. (I could ask him what a perfect 4th grade class would like for him and what he would love to teach in that class.) This might get him thinking about the perfect class his students developed into by the end of the school year.
Express Gratitude:
- Acknowledge the difficulty of the conversation and express gratitude for their willingness to engage. Demonstrating appreciation fosters goodwill and eases tensions. (He did share with me that they were troublemakers and after Spring Break “they don’t learn anything anyway”. He did share with me that he would just “teach to the test” that every 4th grader has to take. I could praise him for that.)
Navigating difficult conversations requires tact and sensitivity.
By following these steps, we all can foster understanding, strengthen relationships, and achieve positive outcomes. Remember, difficult discussions need not be daunting; with preparation and empathy, they can lead to growth, mutual respect, and less attacking.
