How do families resolve conflict?
Is it easier to let it fester? Or should you risk it and speak up?
What would a resolved conflict look like for you?
Common causes of family conflict
It is well-recognized that some of these changes can cause conflict. These may include:
- Learning to live with your adult children
- Learning to live with your aging parent(s)
- Deciding on chores
- Scheduling doctor’s appointment and transportation
- Type of care as loved one becomes ill
- Sibling pressure to do more or something different
- Family finances
Each of these stages can create new and different stresses and potential conflict.Changes in the family situation can also take a toll on the family and contribute to conflict. This may include events such as caring for an aging parent, aging spouse, and/or being sandwiched between trying to keep your marriage together, raising children, and worrying about your aging parents. :
The opinions, values, and needs of each parent can also change and they may find they are no longer compatible.
Agree to talk it out
Do not hold things in that are bothering you. Get them out in the open immediately. It’s OK to say you're sorry when you said something that came out wrong. Some of us have this habit of speaking before we think and find ourselves constantly going back later and apologizing to the person we interrupted or jumped on.
Agreeing to negotiate
Usually, our first angry impulse is to push the point that we are right and win the argument at any cost. Finding a peaceful resolution can be difficult, if not impossible when both parties stubbornly stick to their guns. It helps if everyone decides as a family to try listening to each other and negotiating instead. Suggestions include:
Work out if the issue is worth fighting over. Try to separate the problem from the person.
- Try to cool off first if you feel too angry to talk calmly.
- Keep in mind that the idea is to resolve the conflict, not win the argument.
- Remember that the other party isn’t obliged to always agree with you on everything.
- Define the problem and stick to the topic.
- Respect the other person’s point of view by paying attention and listening.
- Talk clearly and reasonably.
- Try to find points of common ground.
- Agree to disagree.
Listen
There’s an expression, “It’s not what you said. It’s what I heard.” We put our own filters on what others say to us. They means completely different things and yet, we are listening to ourselves and not them. Try not to do this. Conflict can escalate when the people involved are too angry to listen to each other. Misunderstandings fuel arguments. Suggestions include:
- Try to stay calm.
- Try to put emotions and your own biases aside.
- Don’t interrupt the other person while they are speaking.
- Actively listen to what they are saying and what they mean.
- Check that you understand them by asking questions.
- Communicate your side of the story clearly and honestly.
- Resist the urge to bring up other unresolved but unrelated issues.
Work together
Once both parties understand the views and feelings of the other, you can work out a solution together. Suggestions include:
- Come up with as many possible solutions as you can.
- Be willing to compromise.
- Make sure everyone clearly understands the chosen solution.
- Once the solution is decided on, stick to it.
- Write it down as a ‘contract’, if necessary.
Seek professional advice
There are services available to help family members work through difficult issues of conflict. Seek professional advice if you think you need some assistance.
