I recently saw in the news something called gray divorce.
According to research from Bowling Green State University, the gray divorce rate has more than doubled since 1990.
In recent years, divorces have surged among older people, creating a trend of so-called “gray divorce.”
Couples facing a gray divorce encounter additional complications when determining how they'll handle a new life alone.
A 2022 article in the Journal of Gerontology found this issue affects about 36% of U.S. adults divorcing at age 50 or older. The study noted that these statistics are “raising new questions about how they will navigate old age.” That’s over a third now. Wow. What’s going on?
What Is Gray Divorce?
“Gray divorce” typically refers to divorce experienced by an older couple in a long-term marriage, not divorce after a brief second or third marriage, although these instances are also often included in research.
What Are the Causes of a Gray Divorce?
Communication has broken down. The husband returns home after 40-50 years of work. The wife is staring at this person like, “What are you doing here?”
I have lost count of the number of women who send their husbands right back out there after they retire. Some work in hardware stores, others work in the airlines, and others do security. It’s usually the wife that finds them the job.
On the other hand, husbands come home after retirement and think, “I’m not here.” They go out with their friends and play golf, pickleball, or tennis. They stay out of the house, leaving their wives to wonder where all the dreamy vacations, travel, and family they were going to see have gone.
Another cause of gray divorce is illness.
Older adults separate at a time when many face medical issues and late-in-life challenges.
Contrary to popular belief, many couples do not stay together for the sake of their illness any more than they stay together for the sake of their children.
Seniors are heading to gray divorce with choices now. Their adult children are supporting their decisions and while most support both parents, they agree that they would be better off without one another.
Both newly-divorced husbands and wives are looking for new, but “no-commitment” partners while enjoying travel, sex, and freedom.
Gray Divorce is not necessarily the couple’s fault.
Hormones play a part in this.
Here’s how best to explain it in simple terms.
Both men and women have estrogen, the female hormone, and testosterone, the male hormone.
Now let’s say the woman goes through life with estrogen at a 10 and her testosterone at a 6. (These are made-up numbers for example only.) She is estrogen-driven. She does the things estrogen drives her to do. She loved her home, she cared for the kids, she saw her family as #1.
Now the man goes through life with his testosterone at a 10 and his estrogen at a 6. (Again, numbers are made up). He is testosterone-driven. He sees work as important. Exploring new ideas and places. Sports may be important. Providing for his family is #1 so he works hard all his life. Always out of the home and on the go.
But then menopause and andropause hit. Oops. Things turn upside down…
The woman loses her estrogen level and now it’s at a 5, 4, 3, 2 and sliding to a 1. Her testosterone remains at a 6. She is now testosterone-driven. Ready to leave the house, get going, see things, travel, and go. She’s done with having moods.
Her husband’s testosterone level has dropped. His 10 is now an 8, 6, 4, 2 and sliding into a 1 and his estrogen is still hanging at 6. He is ready to come home and nest. Watching TV, cooking, and taking up house stuff sounds like fun for him, and is done with “going”. He seems moody and hangs over his wife’s shoulder, checking on her cooking, and knocking on the bathroom door when she’s trying to get some peace alone.
Disclaimer: This is called stereotyping. This is not always the case and you should check with your doctor or therapist if you have concerns.
What Are the Legal Challenges of a Gray Divorce?
Divorces can be amenable, but some can correspond with acrimony due to infidelity, unhappiness, or lack of communication.
“Once people get their kids off to college, some people may have held it together, they say for the kids, but once the kids are off and gone, and then all of a sudden there’s this reality of, ‘Oh, this is me and this other person for the rest of our lives, I don’t know how that’s going to work,’” says Christine Rollins, professor of law at Saint Louis University.
The financial scenario has changed as well. Decades ago, when these couples first married, permanent alimony was more routinely granted to the nonworking spouse. Now, that is rarer, especially if both people can work.
“Family law has evolved over time,” says Zanita Fenton, a family law professor at the University of Miami School of Law. “Courts are very unlikely, very reticent, to grant permanent alimony.”
Property is considered shared within marriage. Most estates are 50-50. Pensions are also considered 50-50, even if one spouse never worked outside the home.
Estate planning can become more complex in situations of gray divorce, especially after a second or third marriage. "You think about: 'I don’t want this to all become marital property, this is separate property, and how do I protect that so that I can get my children to get their inheritance in case I die in this second marriage?'" Rollins says.
Taxes can affect how the marriage is dissolved. Debt and assets have accumulated over the years and adult children want a say in who gets what and when.
What Are Irreconcilable Differences?
All states have a form of what is called no-fault divorce, which essentially means that neither partner did something wrong. It can be as simple as stating that a couple is not getting along and wants to end the marriage.
This is citing irreconcilable differences, or the inability to agree on fundamental things.
This makes it easier for courts to decide how to divide the assets and debt since they can’t figure out where the blame should lie. If you live in a “fault-based” state then your divorce may be settled based on adultery, cruelty, or abandonment.
Best Practices
If you decide to divorce, it is best to settle all debt and assets yourselves or you may find that your divorce attorneys will take advantage. I’ve seen too many divorced couples left with nothing because the attorneys fought back and forth. Each letter written was $750. By the time court came around, the Cheshire Cat attorneys had over $100,000 in divorce fees.
And remember this common-sense thought…if the spouse becomes crazy, unruly, non-negotiable, and just plain impossible through these proceedings, then you are probably on the right track. If they were nice, happy, understanding, and easy to get along with, then you might like them enough to stay married. 😊
