Many caregivers struggle with their parents resisting help. While some believe there’s always a breaking point where help becomes unavoidable, I disagree. Seniors are independent and have lived through tough times. Convincing them to do something they don’t want to do isn’t the solution.
Understanding Seniors' Independence
Many seniors were born in the 1930s or 1940s, during a time when resources were scarce. World War II was happening, and people had to make do with very little. There were no fancy gadgets, and even gas was rationed. Seniors learned to live without many things.
Today’s seniors can live with very little. However, people born in the 1960s and 1970s grew up in a time of prosperity and rapid technological growth. This difference in upbringing can lead to misunderstandings about what seniors truly need.
What Do Seniors Really Need?
The basics in life are food, clothing, water, and shelter. I’ve seen caregivers frustrated because their parents live in unsafe conditions, like a house full of clutter. One elderly couple I knew lived in the country with so many magazines, newspapers, and trinkets that it was hard to walk through the house. Their adult children were worried, but the parents refused to move.
Will It Become a Crisis?
Eventually, a crisis will happen. One parent will become too ill to care for the other, or worse, both might pass away without having received proper care. Emergency services will be called, and the situation could become dire.
Adult children need to document their efforts to help. They can contact the parents' doctor or Adult Protective Services (APS) to report dangerous living conditions. This documentation can protect them from accusations of elder abuse or neglect.
Communication Is Key
In an ideal world, seniors would communicate their wishes to their adult children, and those children would respect them. Seniors should explain what they need and why it’s important, and families should find a way to agree on these needs.
Honoring Each Other's Wishes
It’s essential for seniors to express their needs clearly and for adult children to honor these wishes while ensuring safety. Family members have a right to set boundaries and call in APS if needed. Consulting an elder law attorney can help understand state laws and protect everyone involved.
Safety First
The ultimate issue is safety. This includes protection from fire, infestation, starvation, and dehydration for seniors, and protection from neglect or abuse liability for family members. By planning and communicating ahead of time, families can avoid surprises and ensure everyone’s needs are met.
