You’re caring for an older parent or loved one who’s facing cognitive struggles. You do your best, you try to help—but now you’re stuck in one power-struggle after another, emotionally drained, worried you’re that caregiver who loses patience, who forgets to pause, and then wonders: “Is this really helping or is it hurting us both?”
Here’s the honest truth: when your aging parent is dealing with dementia or significant cognitive change, engaging in arguments, corrections, or reasoning can feel natural—but it’s often the wrong move. It’s the move that adds fuel to the fire. It’s the move that pivots “caregiving” into “caregiving survival mode.”
Today I want to show you three things you must stop doing immediately if you want fewer outbursts, less friction, and a calmer life together. And yes, you’ll feel relief. Because this isn’t about perfection—it’s about peace.
1) Don’t argue with your loved one
Here’s what we see over and over: you respond to a memory error, a delusion, or a misplaced object—and you jump into “no, you’re wrong” mode. That’s understandable. But it ignites agitation. Instead of helping your senior feel safe, you’re forcing them into a conflict they don’t have the cognitive tools to win.
For example: your mom insists you stole her purse—again. You say:
“Mom, I didn’t steal it—you just lost it again.”
Wrong response. You’re disagreeing and reminding her of her mistake. You’re highlighting her impairment. And deep down you know: she’s not going to remember last time, or the time before that. You’re asking a brain that’s failing to reason the way yours can.
Better approach:
“I’m sorry Mom—I’ll help you find it. Let’s look together.”
You acknowledge, you support, you redirect. No arguing.
Why this works:
- Because the brain changes. The ability to reason through logic is fading. Arguing is a losing battle (National Institute on Aging).
- Because agitation often comes from frustration, confusion, or unmet emotional needs—not from you being “unreasonable.” When you remove the confrontation, you remove the trigger.
So: stop the arguments. Pause before you respond. Ask: Is this worth the battle? Can I respond differently? Your nervous system will thank you. Your parent will thank you (even if they can’t express it).
Example #1: The Case of the Missing Money
Mary, a retired teacher caring for her father with early Alzheimer’s, noticed his wallet went missing every few days. Each time, he accused her of stealing his cash. The first few times, she tried explaining:
“Dad, remember? You put it in the kitchen drawer again.”
That logical reminder only led to louder accusations. Finally, her caregiver support group suggested she agree and redirect instead of argue. So next time, she said:
“Oh no, Dad—that’s frustrating. Let’s look together. I’ll check the kitchen while you check your chair.”
They found the wallet together (as usual), and the tension melted. Her father smiled, proud of his “find,” and the argument never escalated again. What changed? Mary stopped trying to win the logic war and started protecting the relationship.
2) Don’t correct your loved one
This one often surprises caregivers. It’s not just about not arguing—it’s about not correcting. Your dad who has vascular dementia insists he went to work today. Yes, you know he retired ten years ago. Yes, you want to fix that misconception. But when you say,
“Dad, you don’t work anymore, you’re retired,” you’ve just pulled the rug out from under his perceived reality. He feels lost. He feels disrespected. He feels wrong. And you’ve embarrassed or upset him.
Instead:
“That’s great you went to work today. Tell me about your day.” Then gently shift the topic to something meaningful to him—perhaps a photo, or telling a story.
Why this matters:
- The senior’s reality is shifting. It's less about “right or wrong” and more about emotional safety, dignity, and meaning (Banner Health).
- When you correct, you force cognitive load. They don’t have the reasoning capacity. It fosters agitation.
So instead of correction: prioritize connection. Engage at THEIR level. Validate emotion before redirecting.
Example #2: The Work Meeting That Never Happened
Jim’s mother, a former accountant, often talked about needing to “get to the office before noon.” His initial instinct was to correct her.
“Mom, you haven’t worked in 15 years—you’re retired.”
That correction made her panic—she started searching for her purse, muttering about being late. Jim felt guilty watching her anxiety spiral.
Then he tried something new. He said:
“I think your meeting was canceled today. Why don’t we grab some lunch before your next one?”
The relief on her face was immediate. The anxiety faded, replaced with calm conversation about her favorite coworkers—people who existed decades ago but lived vividly in her memory.
Lesson: when caregivers stop insisting on reality and start preserving emotional comfort, peace replaces panic.
3) Don’t try to reason with your loved one
This builds on the first two. The truth—you can’t reason someone out of dementia’s effects. Their brain isn’t wired for that anymore. If your loved one insists someone is trying to break in or steal their remote, and you say,
“No one’s breaking in and no one stole your remote—stop it!” you’re doing the very thing that triggers meltdown.
Better:
“You sound really worried. Let’s walk to the kitchen and get a snack, then I’ll check the remote with you.”
You’re not fighting the delusion. You’re acknowledging the emotion, then redirecting. You’re meeting them where they are, not where you want them to be.
Why:
- According to experts, reasoning with someone whose cognitive function is compromised is like swimming upstream (Chapters Health).
- Practice doesn’t just ease tension—it’s the pathway to staying present without burning out.
What Not to Do When Things Get Heated
When dementia flares up, emotions get tangled fast. Here are some “never do” reactions that make things worse:
- Never say: “You already told me that.” It may be the fifth time—but it’s the first time for them right now.
- Never say: “You’re not making sense.” It may feel true, but it deepens shame and fear.
- Never use sarcasm or jokes about their confusion. What sounds like humor to you can feel like humiliation to them.
Instead, try this mindset: “How can I make this moment feel safe?” not “How can I make them understand?”
Why does this trio matter?
Because these three negative responses—arguing, correcting, reasoning—share a root: they force the senior into a reality their brain no longer handles well. They trigger defensiveness, agitation, and emotional distress—and that in turn leads to behavior problems, physical risk, and caregiver exhaustion.
On the flip side, when you avoid those responses, you shift the environment. You create safety, calm, and connection. You become the trusted guide—not the judge. And that matters because for you, the caregiver, this means fewer war-zones, fewer urgent care visits, and fewer nights wondering if you’ll “make it” another day.
When Things Feel Out of Control
- Stop: Take a deep breath. Your energy influences theirs (Family Caregiver Alliance).
- Acknowledge their emotion: “You’re upset. I see that.”
- Respond with kindness: “I’ll help you.”
- Redirect gently: Offer a snack, a walk, favorite music, or a simple task.
- Check your environment: Is fatigue, pain, or hunger triggering them? (National Institute on Aging)
Even seasoned caregivers forget this in the heat of the moment—but that’s the pivot. You can reset anytime. You can walk away, breathe, and come back calmer. You don’t have to get it right every time to make a difference.
Final Word: Relief Is Possible
You might be thinking, “This is easier said than done.” And yes, nothing about caring for a senior with cognitive decline is simple. But the truth is this: You cannot fix dementia. You can change how you respond. And that changes your world.
When you stop arguing, stop correcting, stop reasoning—the storms quiet. Your relationship shifts from “I’m up against you” to “I’m here with you.” And when your senior stops feeling fought, they start feeling safer. When you stop feeling like you’re always on, you start having moments of peace. You start enjoying them again.
So let this be your permission slip: you don’t have to win every moment. You don’t have to be right. What you need is to be there. Calm. Complicit in safety. Companion in their journey.
You can change the experience for both of you—starting now.
