I recently read an article about caregivers struggling with parents who are resisting their suggestions or help.
I found it interesting that the author said “Eventually, there'll be a breaking point where there is no choice but to convince them to get help.”
I disagree.
Seniors are very independent people. I have seen seniors live with next to nothing. Convincing someone to do something they don’t want to do is not in the conversation.
You have to remember that many of us were born in the ‘30s or ‘40s where there was not much of anything. World War II was going on and the country pulled together for the sake of our boys who are fighting overseas.
There were no gadgets. Even gas was rationed but we seniors learned to live without.
So yes, seniors can live with very little.
But people born in the '60s and '70s and later saw prosperity. The country was in full swing for growth. The ‘90s brought us technology and our home computers like we had never seen before.
And this brings me to “What do our seniors really need?”
The basics in life are food, clothing, water, and a place away from the weather elements.
I've worked with caregivers who are so frustrated because their mom and dad live in a house that is nothing but a fire hazard. Worse, this one elderly couple lives in the country. They had years of magazines, newspapers, and trinkets that you could hardly get around the hallways.
Their adult children were beside themselves, but Mom and Dad would not leave their home. They did not want to move. Dad could no longer take care of Mom and she lay in bed all day.
Will It Become A Crisis?
Eventually, a crisis will happen. Dad will become too ill to care for Mom. Mom will pass or both will pass. This never fails. Emergency services from EMTs to coroners will be called in.
What does need to happen though is that adult children need to document that they have tried contacting the doctor. They could also contact Adult Protective Services through email, letting people know that this is a dangerous situation. This is a way adult children can protect themselves from elder abuse or neglect.
Government services might say "We've seen worse." but at least the adult children have protected themselves and there is now documentation. (I find that most times the services will rarely open a case.)
The ideal scenario is to have these services step in and they actually decide to move the parents. This does not always end well, either. I have seen the seniors die within 6 weeks at their new facility where they are well taken care of, and together, but missing their home tremendously.
The "basic conversation" ingredients
In an Ideal World, super seniors must let their adult children know what they want and the adult children must respect their wishes.
And to take it a step further, what are those wishes?
Do they have food, water, and a warm place to live? Do they want air conditioning in the summer? Remember a lot of us seniors grew up without air conditioning.
How to Honor Each Other's WIshes
As seniors who want our wishes respected, it is our responsibility to tell our kids what we can and cannot live with. And then to explain to them why this is important to us and how we can all agree on these wishes.
As adult children wanting to help our seniors, it is our responsibility to honor their wishes but define safety so we are not held liable for elder abuse or neglect.
You, as the family members, have a right to set boundaries as to what you can and cannot tolerate and when it is time to call in Adult Protective Services to help you. It is good communication to let your senior know that this is something you will do. You might want to see an elder law attorney about your concerns and the laws in your state.
Honor each other's wishes even though they may be miles apart. The idea is to know ahead of time what each party will do when their hand is forced.
This way there are no surprises. Seniors go on to live their lives independently at the pace and the home they choose, in the condition they prefer. Family members know they can pull the Adult Protection Service card when they feel there is a safety issue looming ahead.
While this is not comfortable for either party, the ultimate issue is safety.
Safety from what? Fire, infestation, starvation, and dehydration for the senior.
And for the family member? Safety from neglect or abuse liability.
For more on open communication and safety, see the FREE Caregiver’s Starter Guide, Chapter 4.
