Sometimes, we don't want to tell our children what's really going on.
Sometimes, our adult children feel they are doing all they can do.
So what's missing?
What is the most common form of elder neglect?
Emotional Neglect
Emotional abuse is the most common type of elder abuse, according to data from the World Health Organization (WHO). The WHO found that one out of three nursing home residents or their families reported cases of emotional nursing home abuse.
But emotional abuse and neglect or 2 very different things. Emotional Abuse is more like gaslighting or other actions to put the senior on an emotional rollercoaster of fear.
Whereas, emotional neglect is not recognizing the mental pain, fear, or distress of an elder.
Emotional neglect can take many forms. For example, a senior has just lost their partner of 50+ years. It is critical that the family or senior residence recognize grief vs. depression and watch for signs.
Many residential homes have a “Silent Watch” committee. Your senior will not know who these people are but they are residents and employees who have volunteered to engage the senior in new activities and report to the committee any concerns they have that the senior may be going downhill and needs outside help.
Signs of emotional and psychological abuse in elders include:
- Appearing depressed, withdrawn, or scared
- Avoiding eye contact
- Different eating or sleeping patterns
- Isolation from friends and family
- Low self-esteem
- Mood swings
- Sudden changes in behavior/personality
Emotional and psychological changes can often go hand-in-hand with other types of elder neglect, such as physical harm or social neglect. This means it’s key to check on your loved one’s overall health if you notice signs of emotional abuse.
Why We Seniors Refuse Your Help
It's a challenging situation when your elderly parents decline help, especially when their well-being and safety are at stake. Despite their living conditions or physical state, you can't impose assistance on them when they're still competent to make decisions. Aging parents have the right to refuse help, but what can you do when it's evident that they require assistance? How can you convince them to accept the care they need while respecting their autonomy?
Understanding why elderly individuals resist help is essential before approaching the conversation with empathy and respect. Aging brings significant changes, challenging deeply ingrained habits and lifestyles. Older adults often fear losing their independence, a core aspect of their identity closely tied to how they choose to live. When this autonomy is threatened, whether through cognitive decline or suggestions from their children, they may experience a range of emotions, including fear, frustration, and a sense of helplessness or misunderstanding.
Moreover, aging is often stigmatized in our society, associated with unwelcome traits like wrinkles, forgetfulness, and decreased activity levels. As parents experience these changes, they may feel undervalued or undesirable, particularly when younger family members treat them differently. It's crucial to approach elderly loved ones with validation and reassurance during this time, emphasizing their importance and worth regardless of any challenges they may face.
How Seniors Were Brought Up
Remember, seniors grew up in an era when we were taught "not to complain", to "let it go", to “leave it be”. Our job, as children, was to listen to and respect authority and do what they say.
Are you their “authority”? Probably not. So, why would we listen to you?
Also, if you see any of the above signs occurring, and you don’t know what the cause is, you might consider pain. Pain is the “silent depressor”. It can bring the best of us down. Because of pain, we no longer want to eat, socialize, or even engage in our favorite hobbies anymore.
6 Strategies to Get Parents to Let You Help Them
According to NHAC, when faced with your parent's refusal of assistance, consider the following 6 strategies to help them reconsider:
- Evaluate the Situation: Assess your parent's living conditions, abilities, and mindset to identify where help is most needed and how it aligns with their values and priorities. Call their elder law attorney and see if they can recommend a good social worker who can come in and evaluate how to help you.
- Focus on Positives: Emphasize the benefits of accepting assistance, such as maintaining independence and enabling them to continue activities they enjoy, rather than dwelling on limitations.
- Make it About You: Express your concerns and stress from constantly worrying about them, emphasizing the impact their well-being has on you and your siblings.
- Enlist Experts: Seek support from professionals or community members to validate your concerns and provide additional perspective on the necessity of help. Get help from Adult Protective Services if you are concerned an adult may be self-neglecting. At the very least, you'll have proof that you tried "something" to get them help.
- Offer Options: Present various care options to your parent, allowing them to feel empowered in making decisions while addressing their specific needs. "Which do you like better? A or B?"
- Start Small: Introduce assistance gradually, starting with small tasks or limited help to ease the transition and respect their boundaries.
If despite your efforts, your aging parent remains adamant about refusing assistance, accept their decision while continuing to offer love and support. Respect their autonomy and remain patient, knowing that they may reconsider in their own time. Your presence and reassurance are invaluable, regardless of their choices, and you can find solace in knowing that you're there for them whenever they may need you.
